INDEX TO WEB
STORY UPDATE NEWS AND EBAY LISTING
THE EVIL OVERLORD
THE EVIL MINIONS GUIDE
OTHER EVIL/ HERO GUIDES
NAMES I CALL MY WIFE
& SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS
NOUNS FOR ANIMAL SPECIES
SOME OTHER EBAY SALES WITH STORIES
THE REAL MEANING OF HAYNES MANUAL INSTRUCTIONS
KITE MAKING PAGES
REVOLUTION KITE MAKING
CONTRIBUTIONS FROM READERS
STORIES BY HELEN WORRALL
STORIES AND EBAY SALES
1 AN OLD LAND ROVER
SELLING AN OLD LAND ROVER
4 SELLING WHEELS AND TYRES
5 A NEW JOB AT THE FUNERAL
6 SELLING VIDEO CAMERA
7 MY BIRTHDAY TODAY
8 WITCHERY PART ONE
9 SELLING CANVAS HOOD
10 WITCHERY PART TWO
11 SELLING CARAVAN HITCHDRIVE
14 WITCHERY PART FOUR
17 SELLING A HI VIZ COAT
18 WITCHERY PART SIX
19 SELLING 3 TONNES OF CLAY
2O WITCHERY PART SEVEN
21 SELLING A WHEEL CLAMP
AND THE HESITANT DOORS
23 SELLING AN OLD PAIR OF BOOTS
24 THE REAL
DE VINCI CODE
25 MY GUITAR
26 SELLING MOTORBIKE
28 SELLING A HIGHWAY
29 ZEN AND THE ART OF
LAND ROVER MAINTENANCE
30 SELLING A
CIGARETTE LIGHTER AND A TRIP TO SCOTLAND
33 SELLING AN AMBER
34 THE UNIVERSE IS A
35 SELLING A
36 SELLING BOOTS
37 SELLING A
38 SELLING A MOTORBIKE
39 SELLING A POWER
40 SELLING A HORSE
41 THE BOAT
42 SELLING LAND ROVER
43 SELLING A TOW
/ RECOVERY CHAIN
44 SELLING LAND ROVER
45 SELLING THE FOGGYDAVE CARRIER BAG
46 CARAVAN RAGE OR AGINCOURT DEUXIEME
STORY 13 SELLING RATCHET STRAPS ON EBAY
FOR HOLDING DOWN LOADS ON LORRIES
and SECURING LARGE BABIES IN PRAMS
and many more uses
A tale of a big person, Circus tents and the local Mafia
Below is a transcript of the description on the
original Ebay advert
for this sale is as follows
These straps have only been used
once, they came from a safari wild animal restraining pack, which included
High-powered dart gun, tranquilizer darts, latex gloves, whip, stainless
steel ten-foot cage, and a toilet roll. The latex gloves and whip are
missing, I think taken by members of the local Young Wives group, who are
into such things. I offered them the straps before this auction but they
were rejected as they had tried this sort of restraint before and found
chaffing to be a problem.
Lorry drivers, mothers, and other such persons of the road also use these
straps for securing loads to lorries and large babies in prams.
As stated these straps have only been used once, and then only for a short
time to secure my Wifes grand mother to the low loader lorry, during her recent
one way trip to the old peoples home.
There comes a painful time in ones life when relatives get old, senile, and
less hygienic. They become a liability to your own health and happiness.
One of the rising problems of society today is that because of medical
intervention the old are staying healthier long past their retirement age.
They continue to be senile, old, and less hygienic, but because of their
rude health are not eligible for incarceration and therefore are still at
large in society. It is the younger ones lot to have to put up with these
coffin dodgers with their ranting, smelling of urine, and taking the best
seat in the lounge. Talking over your favourite television programmes and
having theirs on mega loud, leaving the heating on all day and snoring
loudly all night.
My wife's grandma has a big problem, that is literally, she is big, so large
in fact that she has difficulty in moving anything, any part of her anatomy,
apart from the mouth which tends to make up for lack of movement elsewhere.
All her exercise is gained by moving her jaws, both nagging and eating.
My Family wanted to go on holiday and thought it would be best if she were
located temporarily in an old people’s home.
The problem we had was that she had come to visit for a few days, stayed a
few decades, and eaten, eaten a lot until she was such a size that she could
not get through the doors. To move her we dismantled part of the roof, and
then lifted her out using a crane and cradle, such as is used for the saving
of beached whales and other large creatures of the deep.
People came from miles around to view the spectacle. Green Peace even had an
inflatable dinghy in the local brook just in case they needed to take
action. All this took place on a particularly hot and humid summer day, and
a constant stream of water had to be sprayed over the cradle to keep her
cool, this also helped to reduce the odours to a minimum. I am sure most
people thought they were watching a remake of Free Willie, or that some how
a killer whale had swum up the local brook and this was the rescue mission.
All we needed was David Attenborough to give a running commentary to
complete the scene. Granny was eventually secured onto the low
loader lorry, then ferried across town accompanied by the fire brigade to
spray cooling water, and a police escort to clear the way. As the stay was
to be a short one, a temporary marquee was erected for her to be housed in. It was purchased from Billy Smart with all the lights
The local mafia, who were not slow when it came to seizing an opportunity to
cash in, immediately put up posters telling people of the amazing
attraction. A once in a lifetime opportunity to touch and see this rare
animal, which because of its myopic vision could not stand the light and
must be kept in near darkness.
The Mafia had a revenge motive for doing this. Once they had tried to muscle
in on the local village hall whist and beetle drives in the hope of creating
a mini Las Vegas. Granny and my mother in law who were in charge at the time
would stand none of it, and immediately retaliated by ripping the penny coin
boxes off the hall toilet doors and hitting them around the heads with them.
Because the boxes were the Mafia’s main source of income this caused much
fiscal hardship. As a warning of doom they sent her a horses head in bed.
Many people on receiving such a message would leave town on the next stage
coach, but granny only took it to be a midnight snack and sent them a nice thank you
letter, asking for more brown sauce and pickled onions the next time.
The patient Mafia now saw this as payback time.
“Roll up, roll up roll up”.
Oh how the people came, mostly out of curiosity for this touchy feely
experience. They handed over their one-pound coins and in silent trepidation
entered the darkened tent.
Imagination is a wonderful thing; it can bring us dreams or nightmares. Who
is to say when in a dark place that what we are told is in there with us is
a truth or a lie. All you have to go on without sight are the limited senses
of sound, touch, and smell. Who would know if they touched a whale or a
toad, could you tell the scent of either? And that deep rumbling rasping
sound was it just snoring or some ravenous beast ripping a dead pig apart.
It was this lack of sight and the heightening of the other senses that
exaggerated the feelings of unease and fear bubbling on the edge of hysteria
and pants soiling that pervaded the tent.
A tightly packed crowd, no individual wishing to show less bravery than the
other stood gazelle like, yearning to take flight and rush out into the
light, but afraid of being seen as different or cowardly.
Then like some behemoth, granny turned over in her watery cradle
accompanied by great sucking sounds as her skin pulled away from the wet
As one the crowd broke screaming out of the tent trampling mafia woman and
men into the soft mud, climbing over each other all in escape mode. Some
world war two veterans started tunnelling out, but the escape committee
vetoed the plan as too costly. Some climbed up into the top of the tent and
through the top, tying sheets together to let themselves down on the
outside. Most just coiled up in the fetal position awaiting whatever fate
the monster within would deal to them.
My wifes granny blissfully unaware of the mayhem she was causing slept on,
dreaming of cream cakes, beer and her Tibetan dung pipe.
She is still there, happy and contented, and so the straps therefore are
surplus to requirements.
May 31 Day two of sale
On a previous sale I asked readers to send in
suggestions as to the alternative uses for a mechanised caravan hitch drive,
one of these was Delores of Soho ( Between you and me I think she is a lady
of the night). She has given me a suggestion for the Ratchet strap
which is unprintable as it involves a sheep, a pair of wellingtons, and
various kitchen implements.
FD. Delores why do you persist in sending these
suggestions in, surely there is more to life...........maybe embroidery or
offal grinding, how about putting ships in little bottles? I do wonder at
I suppose I had better ask other readers for their
suggestions, so if you have any just send them in. I personally cannot think
of another use, a strap is a strap.
June 1 Day three of sale
Surely, someone wants these straps; they are well worth the starting price.
Maybe you feel a little
squeamish knowing what the straps were used for, but I can assure you they
are clean and in very good condition.
As stated the breaking strain is five tonnes, just think what could be
strapped down with these. Maybe next doors car, the garden gnome, the
caravan on top of the car to save tyre wear, or the car on top of the
caravan to save fuel, the wife and kids on top of the car to save ear ache.
The list is endless. You could start a club that goes around the country
strapping big things down, call it live art and get a grant off the Arts
Council, or a chunk of lottery money. Why not start by holding down a
bungalow or the village green. Then progress to larger objects, Nelsons
column, St Paul’s cathedral. The possibilities are endless and are governed
only by the length of strap. The artiness comes from only restraining
objects that are very solid and of such great mass that they would not, by
any stretch of the imagination move. Holding them down gives the impression
they could move if released or if a light breeze sprang up, this imbues the
object with a kinetic energy and lightness it would otherwise not possess
Archimedes once said “Give me a fulcrum and I will move the world”
Foggydave says “Give me a ratchet strap and I will stop it from rolling
You could be the first to start a craze that would sweep the country, even
the world. Think how much these very cheap straps would be worth then. Maybe
you should view this offer as an investment and something to leave the kids
when you pop your clogs
We also have our first suggested use
Fanny Cradock of Bath......FD..Ah a ghost name Kharina..Ooops sorry said
your real name Kharina..Oooh said it again Oh dear. Anyway your
suggestion is...............Strap Granny to
the commode so that she stays there until the business is done. You
could have Strap a Granny day where grandmothers all over Britain are
strapped to various objects to stop them wandering about. You could strap
them all together in a bundle, it would make granny sitting far easier
and a more pleasurable experience......... Well there you go I can see a
craze starting here. Is there a Johnny somewhere around by any chance?
June 2 Day four of sale
Delores of Soho...... Put them both together and make a belt
for your wife........FD... Tut Tut Delores Meeeeeooooow...Do I sense a touch of
pique that I will not post your more..shall we say exotic uses for the
things I sell. It is obvious that in my naivety I am unaware of the
many more erotic uses my sale items could be used for. Maybe they would sell
better on Ebay sites that cater for these uses. I will be contacting you
with some of the future items so that I may auction the things in these more
Johnny (but I have hair) of Bath..........Use them to strap
your wife's aged uncle to his bath chair lest he make a dramatic leap for freedom
as you wheel him over a cliff. So claiming the inheritance which is
rightfully yours but was being eaten away by the £1000 a week fees of the
care home......FD...Very good Johnny. By the way are you any relation to
Fanny??..... ......I do though see a theme here and it seems to involve old
Brenda Bucket of Ibstock......Put it around our Coachman
caravan to stop warpage when towing over at over 20mph. By the way Ray
washes the coal because I tell him too because its dirty, and I do not do dirty in MY house thank
you very much.....Got to go now Ray walked on the kitchen floor so it needs
mopping..............I can see the point on strapping the caravan, as I
said before buy a Bailey..........Don't you think you are taking this
cleanliness thing a tad too far??
Clutterbuck Smythe VD and scar........ Instead of sending people to prison
strap them to tall buildings as a lesson to other criminals. In medieval
times it was the stocks now it could be the straps. Oh and while they are
there horsewhip the bounders. National service thats what we need, more
discipline, send em to the trenches. What we need is another war, makes men
of you a good war does. Just try not to die.........FD.....So in what trench did
you get the medal Major.....VD and scar very unusual.... I do though like
the idea of strapping scroats to tall buildings. You could put bread crumbs
on their heads to attract pigeons and over the months with the birds
crapping all over them they would be covered in goo which would set hard and
then they could become gargoyles and put something back into the community.
June 3 Day five of sale
I thought this was another suggestion but it wasn't
Fanny Cradock of Bath........Hey Johnny that's my uncle your talking
about. There will be no pushing over cliffs while I am in charge. Oh and
was it you that bent all my kebab skewers? Trying to pries those pennies out
of your money box were you, How can I shove a skewer up the chickens bum if
its bent? tut tut..........And here's me cooking all day long and what for?
Working my fingers to the bone over a hot stove, and all you want is
chips..chips..You cant skewer chips.............FD....Ok children I think Fanny
that it would be better if you conducted your tiffs in private.......Oh and
what's wrong with chips? I myself happen to be master of the seven crinkler
chip. There's not many that can do a seven. A five is hard and
six is difficult but it takes real skill learnt over years to do a seven
crinkler. Taught by my Grand dad I was. Although I never mastered the four
sided seven only the two. My Grand dad died before he could teach me, he was
showing me how to eat three seven crinklers sideways, a very difficult and
dangerous maneuver but he was unaware that there was also an eight four sider
was on his fork,
very rare is an eight and not to be treated lightly. Poor man choked to death,
we tried crowbars, screwdrivers, we even sent a ferret in but that eight
just stuck in his throat and would not budge.
Later on day five of sale
May I at this time suggest that Fanny Cradock aka Kharina and Hairy
Johnny aka Hairy of Bath talk to each other and not send emails to each other
via myself, asking me to forward them on. You do live in the same house
don't you ? If you carry on I may publish them at a later date. Oh by the
way Hairy be careful of Fanny when she has skewers . apparently she is
skilled in the art of culinary weaponry, her first weapon of choice is the
round soup spoon, the second being the
humble skewer. My wife just raises the Frying pan in a menacing way, I have
never pushed her further to see how high she would raise it, but I know on
whose head it would descend. You have been warned.
June 3 Day six of sale
This is going really slowly
STOP PRESS.STOP PRESS. STOP PRESS. STOP PRESS. STOP PRESS.
The Management has informed me that I can offer to the lucky winner of this
once in a lifetime auction, FREE, yes FREE, life membership of the
Strapitdown art club. (Subject to the committees agreement) This club formed very recently, (today), and is
dedicated to the art of holding down large objects artistically. Our
short-term aim is to be awarded a large wedge of lottery money, sit on our
backsides, and escape to the Bahamas.
Enclosed with your straps will be a beginner’s guide to the ancient art of
strapping. Secrets passed down through the centuries in cryptic sketches and
by word of mouth will be yours. You will learn all the intricacies of the
ratchet system and the secret pulling method. How to avoid the dreaded
twisted strap syndrome, much feared by the novice. Even the dark art of
threading the strap through the ratchet (only to be tried by the expert).
All this and much more. You will become a member of an elite club, where
only the selected few gain entry, have funny handshakes, silly initiation
rights and wear plastic aprons and Marigold gloves.
You will be one of those who will say in years to come that you were here,
you bid, you won.
I quote from the bard ***
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers:
For he today that bids this auction with me.
Shall be my brother, be he ne’er so vile.
This auction shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now abed,
Shall think themselves accursed they did not bid.
And hold their manhood’s cheap whiles any speaks
That bid with you on this fair auction and won.
Come brothers and sisters, shall you say in the years to come that you
missed this opportunity, this wonderful chance to bid. Will it be you who
wins and says, “I changed the world”? Or will you weep behind a closed door
that was once open but you did not go through. The choice is yours and I
know in my heart you will not let me down, as you know in your heart this is
the right thing to do, Just think your name could be top of the Strapitdown
clubs roll of honour. Your membership number will be 1
Not 2 or 2 ½ History will record your name. If you do
not do it for yourself then think of your wonderful children. Can you
imagine the pride they will feel at school when asked what their fathers do
they can say he is numero uno, he is a winner, even though his first name is
not Nigel. When you are old and decrepit you will tell your round eyed
wondering grandchildren of this time, of the golden age of strapping, when
you were the Grand Master elect of the ancient order.
Well the last day and no bids. I have not told the wife I am selling
these so there is no pressure (As in squeezing various delicate parts of my
body) She insists on a cut of all the profits.
Oh by the way there is no reserve on this item and if my arguments as to
why you should buy them have not convinced you then nothing will. I just
think its a golden opportunity wasted.
FD.....Thinks........A belt for the wife............nah not long enough
.........get a third one though and with enough ratcheting she could have an
hour glass figure ...............nah whatever we squeeze in one place will pop
out somewhere else, and she is not the best of shapes as it is. Still if
they don't sell I can ring Delores and find out what other catagories to
sell them on!!!!!!
After a fierce round of bidding a gentleman from Bristol won the straps
Copyright © David B